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Think about my last words — LiveJournal


Semi-annual LJ post... Feb. 29th, 2012 @ 10:13 pm

I am ...well.  Seems strange to say.


Though essentially doing the same job as before, my stress level has dropped considerably.  I deal with a fraction of the number of customers I used to have.  After two months they taught me how to handle orders from our shop, something they had just started to teach the last guy after nine.  Barely three and they started to rotate Saturdays, leaving me alone to run the department once every three weeks.  I handle most of the wholesale business now, including bodyshop orders, something I had no experience with before.  Shops that wouldn't talk to the new guy at first already ask for me.  I still don't want to do parts the rest of my life, but I seem to be good at it.


It's been difficult adjusting to the new schedule, being a night owl my entire life.  I still love to go out and sing, but I've had to limit it.  I have been sleeping better, though.  Falling asleep much faster, but still some trouble getting up.  Not nearly as much as before.


The biggest thing?  I am off of all medication.  No more antidepressants, no more anti-anxiety meds, no more sleep aids.  Losing my insurance forced me to drop that crutch, as I knew it would.  I feel better than I have in a long time.  It feels like my mind can work again.


Okay, I'm tired of typing.  Long story short, things are good and getting better all the time.

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That was fast. Oct. 12th, 2011 @ 03:31 pm

I am now employed in the parts department of Empire Nissan.  At about $400 more a month than I made before, take home.  Win.

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Empty Shell Oct. 9th, 2011 @ 03:07 am

There's a nice, young, pretty girl who has flat out told me she's interested.  So why do I feel nothing?


I made her cry when she told me.  I didn't mean to.  She apologized to me the next day, as if it were her fault.  Said she didn't want it to change our friendship.  Yet she's still trying.  I'm attempting to handle it politely, but it seems every kindness is misinterpreted as interest.  I've been on the other side of this situation many times, but this side is new.  Well, something similar happened with another friend a couple of years ago, but she understood and things didn't change.  But if this one is anything like me, she'll never give up.  I don't know how to make things right and keep relationships with her and all the other friends I've made recently in tact.


...or is it that I'm uncertain and want to keep the possibility open?  I don't know for sure, but it definitely feels like I'm stringing her along.  I don't like it.  Yet there's no way to cut it off without losing other friends.


What have I become?

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Moving on... Oct. 4th, 2011 @ 02:55 pm

I have cast aside the crutch beneath me, now I just hope I am truly ready to walk alone.


I turned in my key to the store today.  After seven years it's finally over.  I don't know where I'm going or what to do, but I never would have moved on unless I did this.


In all honesty I'm scared out of my mind right now.

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Moving on. Sep. 16th, 2011 @ 03:12 am

A friend I've met recently, talking about her daughter and her boyfriend:
"I'm just waiting for Chris to come sweep her off of her feet."  She then looks at me, "I like you much better."

Ha!  Her daughter is 21, and very hot.  Best compliment I've got in a while.

In other news, I quit my job.  September will be my last month.  I don't know where I'm going to go from here.  It was probably a stupid decision in todays economy, but every time I think, "that's not my problem anymore," it feels so great.  I've been writing up new resumes(different for the type of job), and at the least I'm better off than I was seven years ago when I started selling car parts.  I have experience in something, anyway.  I just couldn't stand the corporate bullshit anymore.  I no longer have my title, my pay has been cut, and the regional manager(who promoted me to manager four years ago when he was my district manager, btw) won't give me back either for some unknown reason.  Fuck O'Reilly Auto Parts.  They've done nothing for their employees since they bought CSK, and I'm not putting up with it anymore.  I've given everything I've got to the company for the four years I've been management, to end up like this?  Even someone as self loathing as me has a little pride.

So yeah...  I'm scared out of my mind at what's to come.  Mom relies on me to make the house payment, what happens if I can't find anything?  I know any other parts chain will pay me what I'm asking, but I want to explore all other options first.

There's more to say, but not tonight.  I'll try to update soon.

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Other entries
» This is what it's like when worlds collide...

Yes, I seem to have been abandoning my Journal. I didn't mean for it to happen, just kind of did. I protested for years, but now I have to admit that I really like Facebook. I'm constantly connected to friends and family I rarely see, as well as those I see all of the time. It's integrated into my phone, and I love it. I barely touch the laptop anymore, I've got everything in my pocket. Not just FB, but Twitter and Celicatech.com. I can access the CTech forums from anywhere. I got real-time updates from Dave Mustaine as Megadeth recorded their upcoming album. It's amazing. I'm still the internet junky I was at 13 I guess, I just got tired of sitting at the desk. A whole new world opened up with this damn phone.

Which brings out a peculiar problem I never really realized until now. It isn't like I'm alone, but the truth of it has never hit me like this. The internet is a mask, a place where I say what I truly think and feel. This real-life integration changes everything.

I guess there's a good reason I've kept this journal a secret from those I know IRL for so long. There are people who simply don't need to hear many things about me. My nephew is a friend on FB, what would he have felt reading this the last three years? His Uncle welcoming death and drowning himself in alcohol? It'd haunt him forever.

Here I am free. Everywhere else, I really can't be. So this journal will always remain, but it has it's own purpose. I just hope I can remember to record the good, not just the bad.

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» (No Subject)

Things at work, well, all of a sudden, work=shit+fan.  I don't know what's going to happen, but all indications point to me quitting within two weeks.  Six and a half years seems to amount to nothing.

I'm so conflicted, because now Mom relies on me to make the house payment.  But I can't stand it any longer.  Two months ago we "demoted" me, in order to "promote" me back to where I was, effectively forcing the company into a raise.  The regional manager, the man who used to be my district manager and is the whole reason I got promoted to Assistant Manager in the first place, denied my raise.  I'm fucking done.  I've given so much to my store, and I refuse to keep it up any longer.

So anyway, my store manager thinks he can fix it.  I've known the RM longer than him, and I doubt it.  So I'm giving him next week, then I put in my two weeks notice when nothing happens.  Even someone as self-critical as me can only take so much.

I just don't know what else I can do.  And with Mom counting on me...  I don't know where to go from here.

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» (No Subject)

It's been a very long time since I've sat at a bar alone and sang all night.  I don't miss it.

It's strange the friends I've gathered with this karaoke obsession.  I make three shows a week by the same owner, and hang out with the people that work for him and their friends/family.  I'm glad I found them by chance, a friend-of-a-friend runs the show I go to Saturdays, and through her I found the rest.  These were people and places I never would have found otherwise.  There are a few I honestly wouldn't care if I'd never met, but there are many that welcomed me with open arms and made me part of their lives.  The place I've been the last few years, well, I couldn't have made it through without them.

I'm still empty.  Emotion no longer seems to be in my vocabulary.  I try to stick to the things I once believed, but they don't seem to mean much anymore.  I do nothing but drift through this world now.  I do enough to keep me comfortable, but have no further interest in striving for happiness.  I'm alive, and that's enough.

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» Open Eyes

Will these dreams ever stop?  It seems every time I'm about to forget my mind sees fit to remind me.  So here I am, wide awake at 6:30, depressed, frightened, and angry.

How can one move on when their own subconscious wishes them to suffer?

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» Hooray!

Official LJ client for Android!  Woot!

Needs a few things, but I should be able to post more now.

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