Think about my last words

Heath

2009-12-15T12:53:10Z

I know I'm like a year or so behind the times here, but I just saw The Dark Night.

Holy shit was Ledger amazing. I mean ...wow. I don't even know what to say. He was just fucking awesome. It takes an insane amount of skill to take what Nicholson started to a place that dark.

I always liked the guy in his earlier films, but this just makes me twice as sad that he's dead. He would have had an unbelievable career.

Breaking down and other randomness.

2009-12-14T06:54:03Z

Yeah... ...she's stayed here twice more since that last post. I really don't know where either of us want this to go. But for now it's just nice to have someone close. And no, nothing has happened but sleep and conversation.

In other random life news, the coupe broke down on me Thursday. Well, that's not fair, it was my fault. I've been putting off a tune up since April. Some of the stock components can't handle the current from my ignition modifications. They need to be replaced much more frequently, and I never should have put it off for this long. The failure that happened was imminent. Anyway, she decided to quit right in the middle of a damn freeway overpass. So I'm hovering over the freeway, on a busy three-lane road at rush hour. Nowhere to go. I was in the right lane, but there's no shoulder on that bridge. Had to call a tow truck and block the damn lane for around fifteen minutes. This was about a quarter mile from my apartment, by the way.

So I got what I deserved for putting things off. That was a $90 tow, plus the embarrassment of sitting there broken down. I'm ASE certified for god's sake! I was stupid for not getting AAA before my road trip last August, but I'd be brain dead not to do it now. $60 a year is sure as hell worth it with tow prices as they are. It's already $30 less than that single quarter mile pull! Payday is Friday, I'm signing up then.

Today I went to the grocery store after work, and the clerk who usually watches the self-checkout lines exclaims, "Hey! What happened to you on Union(the street I broke on) the other day?!?" So I had to explain to her how my dumb ass ended up there. Sigh... It was sweet though, she said, "I was looking and I said 'hey, that's the guy from Checker who's in my store all the time!' I told my husband to stop but we were all the way left and couldn't get back over!" Nice girl by the way, she always remembers I smoke Marlboro 100's and asks me if I need cigarettes when I walk by so she has them ready when I get there.

The family/grampa situation keeps getting worse. Every time there's a ray of hope a new shadow is cast.

I really need to get a haircut again. The sides are starting to poke upwards. Time to re-shave them. I need to shave the rest of my face too. Except the goat, of course. Maybe tomorrow. The boss is on vacation(yes, again) so I'm working six days this week. In an effort to limit overtime we had to schedule me late every day, so I might have time before my shift. If I can wake up...

Ooh, for some reason I am freaking awesome at singing "I Ran" by Flock of Seagulls now. It was decent the first time, but I fucking nailed it last night, which was the second time I've ever sang it. It was scary. I thought my hair might suddenly stand up straight and taper into a little curl.

I think I'll end this on that note.

Yeah...

2009-12-09T18:54:55Z

So much for the "trying not to give her the wrong idea" thing.

Guess she's been having some problems too, just never really talked about them. I don't know exactly what happened, but she ended up getting a ride to my apartment because she got too drunk to drive and was in this area. I assume because of the weather she didn't want anyone to have to go out of their way to take her home(15 miles south of here). But the only place I really have for anyone to sleep is on the bed with me.

It isn't like anything serious happened, but she was cuddled up against me all night. She was just radiating sadness and I couldn't stop myself from holding her. I will admit it was fantastic to have someone in my arms again. I just can't ignore that instinct when someone needs me. Especially when she's been there for me so much lately.

But yeah, ...crap. I've never been in this situation, I have no frame of reference to go on.

New Celica?

2009-12-08T07:19:37Z

Toyota FT-86 Concept

I'm buying one when they come out. I don't care if it has a boxer, and I can't wait to see the head Toyota developed for it. If they do give it the Celica name I may cry from joy. I haven't mentioned this yet because before it was all rumors after Toyota became a major shareholder in Fuji Heavy Industries(who owns Subaru). Now it's fact, the concept has been revealed and plans are underway. I'm so fucking excited.

/end dream. I don't have the credit or the income. But damn do I want.

How many rants, tangents, and self-absorbed bullshit can I fit into one post? Let's find out...

2009-12-03T10:53:43Z

The temperature here is below freezing right now, and forecasts say it will be until Friday. It's been snowing off and on all day, and the roads are covered with ice. I'm off tomorrow, and as dangerous as travel will be, it would be stupid to go anywhere if I don't have to. But I'm afraid of being left alone all day.

Who am I trying to fool? I have nowhere I can go anyway. It wouldn't matter if I could leave.

I never deserved her, I know that. I just can't understand how it seemingly didn't matter. Though I obviously wasn't good enough, she chose to be with me. Nothing changed, except that choice. I just cannot grasp it. My desire only grew. There were no fights, and we both sacrificed for each other. How did I become something that was no longer good enough when things never changed for the worse?

Her words were, "I just don't feel it." I don't get it. Because you know what? Nobody does. You grasp what you can in this world. Life isn't a fucking fairy tale. You think the people who grew old and died married were meant to be together? No. They just happened to grow up in the same town, went to school together, or met by chance. It worked because they chose to make it work.

So what was so horrible about me that she chose not to? She can swear up and down all day that it was nothing, I'm a great guy, anyone would be lucky to be with me, but I just don't feel it? Fuck you. There is no logic there. If I'm so fucking great, why aren't you staying? You haven't given a reason. It makes no sense to me. At all. The logic points to me being worthless, and yes, I am. But you knew that in the beginning. I was so happy that someone finally didn't care, and that someone chose to make me matter to them. For the first time in my life I felt that I mattered. Then it got thrown back in my face. I'm completely confused and destroyed.

My mind never stops thinking about it, no matter how hard I try. I don't even seek happiness anymore. I only search for what distracts me from the pain. That is my existence. I am either hurting, or distracted enough to ignore it. There are no other emotions, no other states of being.

I have no where to turn anymore. My only close friends have moved hours away. My family is destroying itself. At the top of that matter, Grampa's mind is going. Every time I go there he asks me if I've talked to Marianne. It doesn't matter how many times I've asked him not too, he doesn't remember. None of it is his fault, but watching him decline only adds to the pain now. It's so hard to take, and I'm powerless to do anything about it. I'm a horrible grandson for it, but sometimes I avoid going there now. Even though I know there isn't much time left. It's selfish and stupid. I will regret it. Yet I can't always deal with it anymore.

The only thing left is my dead-end job. This last week without work was hell. I hate my job, but for eight hours that hate and my sense of duty distract me. So as much as I could while I was off I latched on to the closest available friend, the girl that runs the karaoke. The one I didn't want to get the wrong idea about our relationship. I followed her around like a lost fucking puppy. It sure as hell isn't fair to her to use her like that, but I couldn't see another choice. She's really a fantastic friend to put up with it, especially since we've only known each other a few months. I am forever in her debt. Because the longer I am alone, the more I break down.

I never could have imagined that thinking would one day become the greatest threat to myself. I almost wish I could shut it off like everyone else appears to. Just accept this world and my fate in it. Wander around mindlessly, sleep with anyone that comes along, set meaningless goals and be happy attaining them, throw away the past. But that just equals the destruction of my soul, my pride, everything I believe. I can't do it.

Yet as separated as I feel from everyone, I rely on them to distract me. Because I've lost the ability to do it myself. I simply can't be alone anymore. When I am there is only pain, and that is why being alone has become my greatest fear.

Someone needs to pay.

2009-12-01T09:21:28Z

So some bitch stole my debit card Sunday night at Blondie's Firehouse. I don't know whether the bartender fucked up and handed her the wrong card, or if she asked to pay my tab, but she got it somehow.

My friend that runs the karaoke at the nest runs a show at Blondie's on Sunday as well. I knew I couldn't stand being alone all night, so I went.

I go to settle up at the end of the night, and the bar owner starts running around like a chicken with it's head cut off because she can't find my card. The other bartender tells her some girl paid it. With my card, even signed for it. I immediately call my bank and have the card shut down. Whoever got it had already dropped $35 on a tab at another bar. Then the owner accuses me of trying to pull a scam, says, "You know the girl. I know you do."

I was so enraged my friend had to drag me outside. I'm so glad she was there. I almost snapped. She calmed me down enough to leave, and took me to breakfast and let me vent.

I should've called the cops. This is bullshit. I may look into it tomorrow. Fortunately my bank marked the fraudulent charge and I just have to sign some paperwork they're sending me. But I am so fucking pissed.

It's sad, I had fun the rest of the night and was thinking about going back. I'll never go to that fucking place again now. Yeah, I'm talking to the police tomorrow. This is fucking ridiculous. I hope I don't run into some red tape statute of limitations type thing. I want to find out who's responsible.

Teh drunk tonight.

2009-11-28T23:13:14Z

I asked, she's giving me a ride. I feel like a dick. She isn't even working her day job, so I'm out of the way both directions. She wouldn't let me backpedal after I'd asked. Damnit.

Riding

2009-11-28T08:39:10Z

I'm not sure if I should go to The Cuckoo's Nest tomorrow night(that's Saturday night for you daywalkers, I don't count the day over 'till I've slept). I have a feeling I won't stop drinking. It isn't like I'll do anything stupid, other then possibly make myself sick, but I don't want to leave the coupe there. I know my friend running the show would take me home, maybe I can convince her to pick me up too. If she's coming from her day job it's on the way.

Eh... But she lives south of the bar, I'd feel bad about making her go like five miles back north. Damnit. Why did my friends all move away?

Which reminds me, it may not have mattered. I just loaned the closest one of them $300 for parts and cashed in a favor with my mechanic to fix his engine. While the car was down I'd been driving him to the bar. We got it running great, then his transmission blew on the way back to his place in Idaho Springs. I've been telling him for a couple of years that he needed to get rid of it. Once DSMs go, they go hard. I knew I was taking a huge risk trying to fix it, but in his current situation we had to try.

Anyhow, back to the matter at hand. I think I would feel like a selfish dick if I asked her to drive me around. Which makes sense, because I would be. Damnit again.

That brings up something else I'd been pondering. I have a blast every time I go to the karaoke show she runs. At this point I even hang out with her behind the booth. When the bar is dead, we both try new, weird songs that we've never done before and have a great time doing it. She's really been a good friend these last few months. Thing is, I have no feelings for her other than friendship. I'm always afraid I might be sending the wrong signals because of this. I don't understand the signs and behaviors you normal people display in this kind of situation. We all know it takes me a lot of time to be comfortable in a social setting, and she's been my point of familiarity. So I stay around her all night. I've even taken to hanging out until the place closes, and sometimes her, I, and the bartender go out for breakfast. I don't know if I'm being too clingy and letting her get the wrong idea. I guess I'm worrying needlessly, it isn't like she'd be interested anyway. I don't know why I think it would be a problem.

I think I'll debate more tomorrow and look for other options. I really don't want to pay for a cab, but that may be the only choice. Well, besides not drinking. But that option sounds even worse to me right now.

Thanks for what?

2009-11-26T23:04:52Z

I always expected my family to fall apart when Grampa died. I never thought they'd manage to do it while he was still alive.

I'm so depressed I had to leave. For all 26 years of my life there have never been less than 20 people at Thanksgiving, usually more. This year everyone split. I couldn't take it. I only went for Grampa, and he wasn't even there. No one told me. He went to a town an hour away with his eldest son.

I don't have a family anymore. I'm so frightened and alone I don't even want to leave my bed. I just want everything to fade away.

Going out again? Really?

2009-11-25T11:42:13Z

The girl that runs the karaoke at the nest wants me to come to a show one of her co-workers is running Wednesday night. I've spent way too much on booze this week already, but I figure I may as well try to enjoy this impromptu vacation.

The bar's off of C-470 & Ken Caryl, something like 15 miles south of me. It's called G.I. Jodie's. I totally thought it was a lesbian bar because of that name. It's actually just military themed. At least that's what the place's website said. I may be surprised. But if it is at least the girls have a reason to not like me other than the fact I'm a loser.

Now if I could just fucking get to sleep. I've got some stuff I'd like to take care of before I go out.

No vodka for me.

2009-11-24T04:16:15Z

Well, The Rock Rest dumped UV vodka. No cherry for me. I was a little pissed. They didn't even have any flavored vodka, as I seemed to have walked in at the middle of the transition. Had to revert to Jack & Coke for a bit.

However, I did discover later that Cruzan black cherry rum is just about as delicious.

Nimh

2009-11-23T20:50:07Z

The last couple of days Cartoon Network has been playing The Secret of Nimh. I was probably like 5 when I last saw it. Anyway, the animation is beautiful. The movements of the animals are fantastic. The secondary motion of the clothing is amazing. Facial expressions are spot on. It's extremely impressive.

The reason it never gained huge popularity is pretty obvious, I can see the imagery scaring the hell out of most kids. It's very dark. It definitely deserved more credit than it got though. Don Bluth did an incredible job.

crisco747 @ 2009-11-23T07:28:00

2009-11-23T14:28:13Z

It's 7:30 in the morning. I can't sleep. My mind won't shut down, it keeps plaguing me with thoughts I don't want to think.

Work is apparently an excellent distraction. I have 32 hours of vacation time that has to be used by the 30th. So with 8 hours of holiday pay locked in, I can't work this week. I should be thrilled I was able to schedule it, I do hate my job. But if the whole week is like this I don't know if I can handle it.

I think I'll hit the Rock Rest tonight. They have killer burgers and are the only nearby bar I know of that carries UV vodka.

crisco747 @ 2009-11-20T04:52:00

2009-11-20T11:53:30Z

Why must she still consume my mind? Why can't I stop thinking about her? When will it end?

It's nights like this that make me wonder how long I can face this world alone. I fear I cannot keep going for much longer.

Vodka

2009-11-13T06:19:25Z

I'll be damned. Absolut pear vodka tastes exactly like a pear. I'm really amazed. Except for that slight burn, of course.

Deceiver.

2009-11-11T11:55:24Z

I'm so tired of the mask.

I wander around the "everyday life" path that everyone accepts to be reality. I pretend to care about their petty conquests and achievements. I act concerned when they have a problem, happy when it is solved. It is all meaningless to me. I observe their behaviors and imitate them in a way they'll understand, just to avoid their questions. Because no one can comprehend the answers I give. Even this "personal" journal is probably 90% an act.

I honestly believe I don't belong here. This reality, this time, this place. No matter what events unfold or how deeply I am involved it always seems as if I am somewhere else. I perceive things differently then those around me. I am unable to conform myself to the values of this society. I cannot interact with others the way they do with one another. Many things that others shrug off as normal have intense importance to me. No one can understand why.

It's egocentric as hell to think this way. In a way I believe I'm right and everyone else is wrong. Logically that doesn't work, but I cannot accept that the feelings in my heart aren't right. The only way I can even function is to believe that I was placed in the wrong reality. It's the only way I can be indifferent to what my mind sees as the chaotic existence surrounding me. Though I do not I belong here, I was born into this world, and thus have no right to interfere with it.

With that comes the truth that I am alone. I found a kindred spirit, but as she learned to belong my usefulness ended. In this world I am nothing. A worthless shell of a man unable to function in the reality around him. She was just like me in the beginning. The difference is that she decided to accept and adapt to the world around her. A feat I cannot accomplish. I have no right to deny her that, and it's selfish as hell that I still wish she'd come back to me.

I just cannot stop the pain. The only wish I've ever had for this life is to not be alone. No matter how hard I look I have never found anyone else that close to me. It hurts so bad because I know that was it. My only chance to not be alone. I'm so unbelievably afraid of this loneliness. My mind has set impossibly high standards, so high that if some conditions are not met I am repulsed. I will never find another. I was so happy when we were together, and I know I will never feel that again.

So nothing matters anymore. I am just here. A meaningless speck on the lens of someone else's reality. There is nothing left. I am cursed to be alone for the rest of this life. I will just drift along, seeking worthless distractions to defer my mind from the truth. Because the fact is more frightening to me then the death that would end it.

Disclaimer section:

All of this has been very hard to talk about. I've grown so used to putting on that mask for the rest of the world that I've even been trying to lie to myself here. That ends now. Everything I've written in this entry is the most honest I've ever been. I'm sure I will still post the random distractions, but I will also not be holding back the way I see things anymore. This is my journal. The more I disguise myself the more I feel my soul disintegrate.

Anyone who still wishes to follow this journal is welcome to, but keep one thing in mind - If you think I'm not normal, guess what? You're right. But there isn't anyone in your reality that can help me. I won't try to be all happy and normal at the expense of violating what I believe. Any opinions of that nature are meaningless to me. I don't care what help you think I need. I will not disable comments, nor make private entries. That doesn't mean I like being told I'm sick, and I loathe being pitied. Anyone who insists to do either will likely be blocked.

I won't hold it against anyone who wishes to de-friend me either, and I will do so in turn if you wish.

crisco747 @ 2009-11-08T21:51:00

2009-11-09T04:51:57Z

I'm so fucking pathetic.

This is it, it's my life.

I've never wanted it to be over more than I do right now.

.....

2009-11-08T09:27:11Z

Well that was about the stupidest thing I've ever done. Now I just want to die again.

Wait, shouldn't I be at work right now?

2009-11-07T20:27:10Z

It's really nice having another manager. I don't get Saturdays off very often.

I think I'll shave, shower, then go run some errands. Might do some quick work to the coupe. I'd better hurry since it gets dark at 5:00 now. Damn Rocky Mountains...

I can't wait to get to The Nest tonight. It's been a long week. I have "Take on Me" by A-Ha stuck in my head for some reason. I might try and sing it tonight, though there's pretty much no chance in hell I can hit those high notes. Eh, we'll see. Maybe if the place is dead. Though at this point the staff and the regulars all love when I try weird songs.

Guess that's it.

I know, quit reminding me.

2009-11-07T09:40:36Z

Last night I started replaying an older Tetris puzzle game. Every time you create a single row line, it plays a BGM that says "single." So when you get going fast it keeps saying "single, single, single."

If I didn't know any better I'd swear the game was mocking me.

Letting Go

2009-10-30T02:17:24Z

I don't talk about it a lot, because it's embarrassing as hell, but I'm a gatherer. I have trouble throwing even the stupidest shit away, due to either a theorized future need or an imagined emotional bond. I'm surrounded by piles of crap constantly. I try to keep it under control, but it always eventually causes me to not be able to get around in my own apartment. I'm attempting to clean my bedroom now, and I've let it get so bad this time that I don't even know where to start. There's just so much. I'm tired of having no room to do anything. I hate that I can't find something when I need it. I'm willing to bet I've spent hundreds on duplicate items because I couldn't find the ones I already had. Everything is dusty, filthy. I can't take it anymore.

What I'm doing now is trying like hell to throw away what I can stand to, and box what I can't. At least get like items together and labeled, so I can work out some sort of system later. For now I just need it all out of my way. I can't focus anymore with it looming over my head.

What brought on this post is my old stereo. It's at least ten years old, probably more. Could even be closer to fifteen. I haven't used it in years. It takes a single CD and has a dual tape deck. Yes, I said tape deck. This was way before MP3's became popular, so it has no capability there. It even had trouble with some CD-R's. I barely listen to music outside of my car anymore, and when I do it's always playing the MP3's on my laptop while wearing headphones. There is no reason to keep it.

Still, I just spent a good fifteen minutes trying to figure out what to do with it, because it wouldn't fit in the boxes I got. When I couldn't find a solution there, I tried to convince my mom to take it. It almost worked, because she has the same tendency. I eventually came to the conclusion that I have to throw it away, but it wasn't easy. I set it near the door so I could take it to the dumpster next time I go out, and it depressed me. I almost want to cry. All I can think about is listening to it in my teens. It's a fucking inanimate object and I treat it nearly like family. I hate it. Probably the same reason I can't get over my ex.

I've decided to do something about it multiple times in my life, but have only succeeded temporarily. But now, between my mother and I, it's beyond control. I can't stand it. My home isn't a home anymore. It's a fucking dump.

Driving in the winter.

2009-10-29T23:53:16Z

I shouldn't be all sanctimonious like this after that last post, but I'm going to anyway because I'm annoyed.

If you live in the foothills of the rocky mountains, learn to drive in the fucking snow! If you can't handle it, stay the fuck inside.

Here's a good way to tell that you don't need to be on the road: I'm driving my lowered Celica that I've tuned for drag on the cheapest all-weather tires I could get. I drive extremely carefully in snowpacked conditions. With momentum working against the FWD, spinning the tires on starts/gear shifts is common. So if I pass you in your big 4wd SUV, guess what? You have no business driving in those conditions. You're holding up traffic by going unnecessarily slow and causing a hazard.

Another way? You're constantly hitting the brakes. Learn how to use your damn transmission to slow down. I don't care if you have ABS. You will still slide. Going downhill is worse. Yes, you might speed up a little as you go down, but you know what? You will lose that speed when the hill is over. Don't fucking panic and try to ride your brakes. Keep the car straight, downshift if you can, and calm the fuck down.

*steps off of the undeserved soapbox*

Soo...

2009-10-27T08:23:44Z

I nailed some Asian girl from behind today. ...but not in a good way.

Construction zone, speed limit 45. Traffic going about 35. Over-zealous construction worker quickly flips up his stop sign when he sees a hauler coming. Guy in front of the traffic line slams his breaks. The three cars behind him have to stop suddenly. The fourth car, me, locks up his brakes and skids into the back end of the third car.

Thankfully I just gave her a good tap, bumper-to-bumper. There were no injuries or damage to either car. The girl didn't even want to exchange info. Sure as hell shook me up though.

Engineering?

2009-10-26T07:50:05Z

I was just messing around a little thinking of things to go to school for again, and stumbled across an interesting program at Red Rocks Community College(literally right down the street from my apartment). It's a joint program with the Colorado School of Mines. I'd take two years at Red Rocks, earning an Associate of Science degree, then be automatically accepted into Mines to complete a Bachelor's degree.

My focus would be on electrical engineering. The more I work with electronics the more I want to. I love the flow of circuits and figuring out how to make things work. Everything is so straightforward and logical.

So here's my dilemma. Well, dilemmas. First, I fucking hate theoretical math! It has no damn point! Equations that give me a concrete answer that I can use are fine. Other shit annoys me and is often difficult to grasp. This alone pretty much means I couldn't do it. Which sucks, but I honestly shouldn't even be thinking about trying to get into the program with that problem. I know this.

Second, can I do it? My health issues obviously weren't caused by the infections in my jaw at this point. I've got some theories I'm working on now, but what if they're wrong? In my current state could I even handle the work? Even assuming I could, I would still have to work forty hours a week while going to school.

...which brings us to the third point, finances. I've already got $50k in loans from my art school failure looming over my head. I would have to attempt to borrow more. I don't have family that can pay for my school or support me 100%. So assuming they actually will loan me more, I've still got normal living expenses. It also begs the question of being worth it at this point. $50k will become $100k. Would I even make enough to offset it?

Fuck. It can't happen, can it? Maybe I'll go back to looking at systems or networking. The same problems arise, but the final cost goes down at least.

I really don't know what to do.

So much for another day off...

2009-10-24T06:07:17Z

Between family bullshit and cheap fittings I'm about done. I can't wait to hit the Nest tomorrow.

The family bullshit thing I'm not even going to bother explaining.

As for the cheap fittings, I was trying to install the sending unit for my new electrical oil pressure gauge. The adapter that goes into the head snapped off, flush. I got it out, but the biggest problem is that the fitting isn't available. Anywhere. I had to put the stock sending unit back on the car and order one. Not just the fitting though, that would be too easy. I had to order a whole new gauge for it. I couldn't find any source that had it separate. Fortunately that definitely falls into the faulty part category, so I can warranty it and send it back to the manufacturer. It just pisses me off that the store has to take the initial hit for a $50 gauge just to replace a $5 fitting. It shouldn't be that difficult.

Yeah, I'm really looking forward to going out tomorrow.