Think about my last words

Vodka

2009-11-13T06:19:25Z

I'll be damned. Absolut pear vodka tastes exactly like a pear. I'm really amazed. Except for that slight burn, of course.

Deceiver.

2009-11-11T11:55:24Z

I'm so tired of the mask.

I wander around the "everyday life" path that everyone accepts to be reality. I pretend to care about their petty conquests and achievements. I act concerned when they have a problem, happy when it is solved. It is all meaningless to me. I observe their behaviors and imitate them in a way they'll understand, just to avoid their questions. Because no one can comprehend the answers I give. Even this "personal" journal is probably 90% an act.

I honestly believe I don't belong here. This reality, this time, this place. No matter what events unfold or how deeply I am involved it always seems as if I am somewhere else. I perceive things differently then those around me. I am unable to conform myself to the values of this society. I cannot interact with others the way they do with one another. Many things that others shrug off as normal have intense importance to me. No one can understand why.

It's egocentric as hell to think this way. In a way I believe I'm right and everyone else is wrong. Logically that doesn't work, but I cannot accept that the feelings in my heart aren't right. The only way I can even function is to believe that I was placed in the wrong reality. It's the only way I can be indifferent to what my mind sees as the chaotic existence surrounding me. Though I do not I belong here, I was born into this world, and thus have no right to interfere with it.

With that comes the truth that I am alone. I found a kindred spirit, but as she learned to belong my usefulness ended. In this world I am nothing. A worthless shell of a man unable to function in the reality around him. She was just like me in the beginning. The difference is that she decided to accept and adapt to the world around her. A feat I cannot accomplish. I have no right to deny her that, and it's selfish as hell that I still wish she'd come back to me.

I just cannot stop the pain. The only wish I've ever had for this life is to not be alone. No matter how hard I look I have never found anyone else that close to me. It hurts so bad because I know that was it. My only chance to not be alone. I'm so unbelievably afraid of this loneliness. My mind has set impossibly high standards, so high that if some conditions are not met I am repulsed. I will never find another. I was so happy when we were together, and I know I will never feel that again.

So nothing matters anymore. I am just here. A meaningless speck on the lens of someone else's reality. There is nothing left. I am cursed to be alone for the rest of this life. I will just drift along, seeking worthless distractions to defer my mind from the truth. Because the fact is more frightening to me then the death that would end it.

Disclaimer section:

All of this has been very hard to talk about. I've grown so used to putting on that mask for the rest of the world that I've even been trying to lie to myself here. That ends now. Everything I've written in this entry is the most honest I've ever been. I'm sure I will still post the random distractions, but I will also not be holding back the way I see things anymore. This is my journal. The more I disguise myself the more I feel my soul disintegrate.

Anyone who still wishes to follow this journal is welcome to, but keep one thing in mind - If you think I'm not normal, guess what? You're right. But there isn't anyone in your reality that can help me. I won't try to be all happy and normal at the expense of violating what I believe. Any opinions of that nature are meaningless to me. I don't care what help you think I need. I will not disable comments, nor make private entries. That doesn't mean I like being told I'm sick, and I loathe being pitied. Anyone who insists to do either will likely be blocked.

I won't hold it against anyone who wishes to de-friend me either, and I will do so in turn if you wish.

crisco747 @ 2009-11-08T21:51:00

2009-11-09T04:51:57Z

I'm so fucking pathetic.

This is it, it's my life.

I've never wanted it to be over more than I do right now.

.....

2009-11-08T09:27:11Z

Well that was about the stupidest thing I've ever done. Now I just want to die again.

Wait, shouldn't I be at work right now?

2009-11-07T20:27:10Z

It's really nice having another manager. I don't get Saturdays off very often.

I think I'll shave, shower, then go run some errands. Might do some quick work to the coupe. I'd better hurry since it gets dark at 5:00 now. Damn Rocky Mountains...

I can't wait to get to The Nest tonight. It's been a long week. I have "Take on Me" by A-Ha stuck in my head for some reason. I might try and sing it tonight, though there's pretty much no chance in hell I can hit those high notes. Eh, we'll see. Maybe if the place is dead. Though at this point the staff and the regulars all love when I try weird songs.

Guess that's it.

I know, quit reminding me.

2009-11-07T09:40:36Z

Last night I started replaying an older Tetris puzzle game. Every time you create a single row line, it plays a BGM that says "single." So when you get going fast it keeps saying "single, single, single."

If I didn't know any better I'd swear the game was mocking me.

Letting Go

2009-10-30T02:17:24Z

I don't talk about it a lot, because it's embarrassing as hell, but I'm a gatherer. I have trouble throwing even the stupidest shit away, due to either a theorized future need or an imagined emotional bond. I'm surrounded by piles of crap constantly. I try to keep it under control, but it always eventually causes me to not be able to get around in my own apartment. I'm attempting to clean my bedroom now, and I've let it get so bad this time that I don't even know where to start. There's just so much. I'm tired of having no room to do anything. I hate that I can't find something when I need it. I'm willing to bet I've spent hundreds on duplicate items because I couldn't find the ones I already had. Everything is dusty, filthy. I can't take it anymore.

What I'm doing now is trying like hell to throw away what I can stand to, and box what I can't. At least get like items together and labeled, so I can work out some sort of system later. For now I just need it all out of my way. I can't focus anymore with it looming over my head.

What brought on this post is my old stereo. It's at least ten years old, probably more. Could even be closer to fifteen. I haven't used it in years. It takes a single CD and has a dual tape deck. Yes, I said tape deck. This was way before MP3's became popular, so it has no capability there. It even had trouble with some CD-R's. I barely listen to music outside of my car anymore, and when I do it's always playing the MP3's on my laptop while wearing headphones. There is no reason to keep it.

Still, I just spent a good fifteen minutes trying to figure out what to do with it, because it wouldn't fit in the boxes I got. When I couldn't find a solution there, I tried to convince my mom to take it. It almost worked, because she has the same tendency. I eventually came to the conclusion that I have to throw it away, but it wasn't easy. I set it near the door so I could take it to the dumpster next time I go out, and it depressed me. I almost want to cry. All I can think about is listening to it in my teens. It's a fucking inanimate object and I treat it nearly like family. I hate it. Probably the same reason I can't get over my ex.

I've decided to do something about it multiple times in my life, but have only succeeded temporarily. But now, between my mother and I, it's beyond control. I can't stand it. My home isn't a home anymore. It's a fucking dump.

Driving in the winter.

2009-10-29T23:53:16Z

I shouldn't be all sanctimonious like this after that last post, but I'm going to anyway because I'm annoyed.

If you live in the foothills of the rocky mountains, learn to drive in the fucking snow! If you can't handle it, stay the fuck inside.

Here's a good way to tell that you don't need to be on the road: I'm driving my lowered Celica that I've tuned for drag on the cheapest all-weather tires I could get. I drive extremely carefully in snowpacked conditions. With momentum working against the FWD, spinning the tires on starts/gear shifts is common. So if I pass you in your big 4wd SUV, guess what? You have no business driving in those conditions. You're holding up traffic by going unnecessarily slow and causing a hazard.

Another way? You're constantly hitting the brakes. Learn how to use your damn transmission to slow down. I don't care if you have ABS. You will still slide. Going downhill is worse. Yes, you might speed up a little as you go down, but you know what? You will lose that speed when the hill is over. Don't fucking panic and try to ride your brakes. Keep the car straight, downshift if you can, and calm the fuck down.

*steps off of the undeserved soapbox*

Soo...

2009-10-27T08:23:44Z

I nailed some Asian girl from behind today. ...but not in a good way.

Construction zone, speed limit 45. Traffic going about 35. Over-zealous construction worker quickly flips up his stop sign when he sees a hauler coming. Guy in front of the traffic line slams his breaks. The three cars behind him have to stop suddenly. The fourth car, me, locks up his brakes and skids into the back end of the third car.

Thankfully I just gave her a good tap, bumper-to-bumper. There were no injuries or damage to either car. The girl didn't even want to exchange info. Sure as hell shook me up though.

Engineering?

2009-10-26T07:50:05Z

I was just messing around a little thinking of things to go to school for again, and stumbled across an interesting program at Red Rocks Community College(literally right down the street from my apartment). It's a joint program with the Colorado School of Mines. I'd take two years at Red Rocks, earning an Associate of Science degree, then be automatically accepted into Mines to complete a Bachelor's degree.

My focus would be on electrical engineering. The more I work with electronics the more I want to. I love the flow of circuits and figuring out how to make things work. Everything is so straightforward and logical.

So here's my dilemma. Well, dilemmas. First, I fucking hate theoretical math! It has no damn point! Equations that give me a concrete answer that I can use are fine. Other shit annoys me and is often difficult to grasp. This alone pretty much means I couldn't do it. Which sucks, but I honestly shouldn't even be thinking about trying to get into the program with that problem. I know this.

Second, can I do it? My health issues obviously weren't caused by the infections in my jaw at this point. I've got some theories I'm working on now, but what if they're wrong? In my current state could I even handle the work? Even assuming I could, I would still have to work forty hours a week while going to school.

...which brings us to the third point, finances. I've already got $50k in loans from my art school failure looming over my head. I would have to attempt to borrow more. I don't have family that can pay for my school or support me 100%. So assuming they actually will loan me more, I've still got normal living expenses. It also begs the question of being worth it at this point. $50k will become $100k. Would I even make enough to offset it?

Fuck. It can't happen, can it? Maybe I'll go back to looking at systems or networking. The same problems arise, but the final cost goes down at least.

I really don't know what to do.

So much for another day off...

2009-10-24T06:07:17Z

Between family bullshit and cheap fittings I'm about done. I can't wait to hit the Nest tomorrow.

The family bullshit thing I'm not even going to bother explaining.

As for the cheap fittings, I was trying to install the sending unit for my new electrical oil pressure gauge. The adapter that goes into the head snapped off, flush. I got it out, but the biggest problem is that the fitting isn't available. Anywhere. I had to put the stock sending unit back on the car and order one. Not just the fitting though, that would be too easy. I had to order a whole new gauge for it. I couldn't find any source that had it separate. Fortunately that definitely falls into the faulty part category, so I can warranty it and send it back to the manufacturer. It just pisses me off that the store has to take the initial hit for a $50 gauge just to replace a $5 fitting. It shouldn't be that difficult.

Yeah, I'm really looking forward to going out tomorrow.

Haven't written in a while...

2009-10-22T09:28:12Z

If I looked over my shoulder
I'd see the destruction in my wake
An endless path of failures
That I haven't the heart left to take
I try and keep my eyes fixed forward
But they just can't trick my mind
As soon as they close I see you
Walk away for the last time

The pain is still so real
As every single night goes by
A hole that will never heal
The unanswered question of why
A truth I cannot face
A dream that I let die
This feeling of disgrace
The choices I decry

I can feel the heat behind me
As another bridge melts away
Forever looking forward
Trying to envision a better day
But the past can always be seen
By the eye that is my mind
It just won't let me forget
All of the things I've left behind

2+2? Let me get my calculator...

2009-10-07T06:42:44Z

I think my brain is broken. I'm pretty sure it's all the hours I've been working. I was doing some pre-counts for our inventory tomorrow, and I couldn't multiply in my head. It isn't like we're talking big numbers here either, I had to bust out my phone and use the calculator for 12 x 7. 12 x 7. What the fuck? There were some things I wanted to take care of tonight, the inventory brings a load of store managers and a few higher-ups to the store. I wanted my store to look great. I just couldn't focus, couldn't organize my thoughts. I kept getting distracted by a new task every time I did anything. So after managing to finish some counts among the distractions, I just swept the floors and left. Wasn't much else I could do.

All things considered tomorrow should go well, though. What's kind of cool is that I don't have to be present at our inventories anymore. It started last year, when they switched the start time for all inventories from 5PM to 5AM. Since I'm closing manager I'm not expected to attend that early. Last year it was done and over with before I got there for my shift. The bad side of it, though, is that it makes me a bit more obsessive-compulsive about the prep work. Inventories are done by an outside company, and from the first three at my store plus the ones at other stores I've assisted with, I know how they operate. Everything is set up to make an objective count by an outside party. Only thing their procedures missed was the part where they're supposed to hire people that have a brain! I've caught mistakes in the past that would've cost my store hundreds, even thousands of dollars. It isn't always a simple oversight or slipped keystroke, either.

Okay, enough, I need to stop thinking about work.

Money, education, etc...

2009-10-05T07:51:22Z

In the last five months I've raised my Fico score from 563 to 615! Hooray! It got so bad from me, well, ...ignoring my student loans. I didn't know they'd give me forbearance time. Not to mention that whole Best Buy card thing... Anyway, I'm also almost done paying Grandpa back the $14k he loaned me. I've got 1,300 to go. So I'm just about free and clear there. That's a good thing, because the forbearance period on my student loans is almost up. I'll have to start paying those in November. $260-something a month for the next twenty years. Twenty years. With nothing to show for it. Fuck. Oh well, nothing I can do about the choices of the past.

Speaking of which, I really need to go back to school. Problem is that I can't decide what for. Networking? Electrical? Programming? I've narrowed it down to things related to those three. Kind of sucks that I have pretty much no credits that will transfer though. Unfortunately credits from an art school, even though accredited, don't transfer well. There's also the question of funding. I doubt my original lender will give me any more, but I don't know if I can afford it otherwise. Either way my loans would go into deferment while I'm in school, at least.

Had a blast Saturday, as always. I might not even have to say that anymore it happens so often. :) Tried a couple new songs, first of which was "Big Empty" by Stone Temple Pilots. I'm really surprised I hadn't done it before. It was my first song, and I knew it was stupid to do a new one first, but it was okay toward the end. Had to warm up I guess. I also tried "Burn" by The Cure. Only Cure song I ever really liked. That one didn't go to well. *shrug* Attempted "Twilight Zone" by Golden Earring, too. I wasn't too bad, but I couldn't keep up with the chorus. Kept missing the same damn line. Did "Gone Away" by The Offspring for the second time. It went about ten times better than the first, I'm glad I tried it again. Oh, and I finally got the chorus of "Symphony of Destruction" right! Before I'd always have to revert to my normal voice(as opposed to trying to sing like Dave Mustaine) for that part. For some reason I could never keep the impression going when he'd actually sing. The closer it was to talking/shouting the better I'd do. I might try "Angry Again" next week, because I have the same problem with that song. I can't remember if she has "Sweating Bullets," but that would come next.

Well, first the boss got sick, and now he's back, but inventory is Wednesday morning. So I did finally get two days off(not together), but have been staying late to get the store ready. So I've been at work a lot. The thing that pisses me off is that for some ungodly reason myself and the other assistant are scheduled for six days this week, while the boss has the normal five. What the fuck's wrong with this picture? Honestly, it isn't like I have much else to do, and I certainly like the overtime, but no. It's not right. After being sick over a week, he has no right to expect us to work with one day off while he gets two. We may have to have a little talk tomorrow.

Well, that's it for now.

More bitching...

2009-09-24T05:38:42Z

My fucking boss has pneumonia. So my other manager and I have been giving up our days off so neither of us have to do a bell-to-bell. I've been there eight days in a row. By the time I get another day off it will be, let's see... Six more days at the least. So I'll have done another two weeks straight. Yay. The check will be killer, but I want to go to the fucking track before it closes! Not to mention that we have inventory the seventh of next month. The shape our store's in... Well, I'll be doing a lot of thirteen hour days again.

Oh, and Grampa's 90th birthday party is Sunday, all hell is going to break loose in the family after that. I don't have time to deal with it. Let 'em disown each other, I don't even give a fuck anymore.

I'm burnt out and tired. There isn't looking to be an end to it. I am done, done, done. At least I have Saturday nights to look forward to, if nothing else.

Down with the Sickness

2009-09-21T05:45:14Z

Well after 26 years of suffering from sinus infections I finally figured out how to beat it very quickly. For those not familiar with sinus infections, think head cold. The symptom's are very similar even though it's bacterial and not viral.

First, I took Benadryl Severe Allergy & Sinus Headache every four hours. I started with NyQuil, but the decongestant in the Benadryl works better.
Second, I used Vick's Chloraseptic Sore Throat Spray to combat the irritation from all the drainage. Also helped the cough. It worked much better than it had previously because I figured out I could tilt my head back and it would drain down and sit on the affected area but still not be swallowed.
Third, I got those awesome little Campbell's Soup at Hand thingys. I basically sipped soup all night. I tend to only eat one meal a day, so this helped to ensure my body had some nutrients to fight the infection. (Side Note, I'm well aware I could save a shitload of money by buying cans and just putting it in a glass. But when have I ever been one to choose frugality over convenience? Might as well enjoy it while I can.)(Side note 2, tomato soup is too acidic and burns swollen throat tissue like swallowing a fucking hot coal. I wouldn't recommend it.)
Fourth, this is where it gets messy, I flushed my sinuses with saline about once an hour. The product Simply Saline is very effective. It uses compressed air to blow out a mist of salt water that goes right where it's supposed to if you sniff gently. I'd assume that creates a vacuum effect in the sinus cavities, but to be honest that's an uneducated guess at best. Anyway, keep inhaling gently for a few seconds and you'll feel it swirling around up there. Then do the farmer blow. Repeat on the other side, and do it again if it still feels stuffed up. My deviated septum kinda made this a pain in the ass. Kept having to switch the side I lied down on so it would center itself, and take care of it before it flopped over and blocked the other nostril. I really need to get that taken care of.

So the main points are to keep the sinuses clear/facilitate the draining process, and make sure you have the nutrients for your body to fight anything you missed. The infection started affecting me on Tuesday in the form of fatigue. Wednesday I realized what was coming because my throat was sore all day and I was starting to smell it. That sounds totally weird and gross, but it just has a distinct scent. I've grown used to it. I can even tell the difference between an infection and a cold. Thursday was the worst. I was getting really sick by the time I closed the store. There was also a cold going around, I probably avoided it by the bacteria eating the virus. Good timing for once! My store manager had to go home early Thursday, and he was so bad I expected he'd call in our other manager for Friday morning(the other guy was supposed to close Friday, it was my day off). That's why I implemented this new treatment method, I had a feeling I'd have to go in, sick or not. So all night Thursday I was eating soup and flushing my sinuses, if only to ease the symptoms. Sure enough I got the call Friday morning, and relieved my other manager at about four o'clock. My throat still hurt a bit, but I was already well enough to complete my shift without too much difficulty. Had to sit down a lot because I was tired, but it wasn't too bad at all. By the end of my shift on Saturday my throat no longer hurt and I even made it to the bar and sang all night. I'm fine today. Have a little cough from the last bits draining out, but there's no pain at all.

So it took about four days from initial symptoms to almost complete recovery. Normally it would take at least a week, with anywhere from two to four nights being as bad as Tuesday was, often worse. I kicked it's ass unbelievably quick. Almost scary quick, I'm totally worried it will come back with a vengeance now.

So on to the stuff less related to illness. Had a blast Saturday, yet again. I really enjoy doing karaoke at The Cuckoo's Nest. I've become friends with the girl that runs it, and I tend to hang out behind the soundboard with her. It's funny, cause people are always asking me shit and handing me their submissions and what not. Obviously I can answer most questions and hand the submissions to her, but it's kind of funny to me when it's something I have no control over, like playing a song between singers. I shrug and say, "ask her dude. I just sit here." One guy kept trying to slip me a five to play a song. I kept laughing and saying, "I'll take it, but it won't do you any good! Talk to her!" It's cool though, all the bar's regulars know me now and always cheer me on. The bartenders are awesome and always take great care of me. Last night was sweet, a group of guys that are there on occasion kept yelling "Slayer!" when I'd walk by, as they'd heard me sing "Seasons in the Abyss" before. I went up to sing something else, and when it came on screen they booed and started up their chant again. I started laughing so hard I missed my cue and told my friend to switch songs. I said, "here ya go bastards, will you shut up now?" to cheers. It was awesome.

My breath control was off all night, probably due to getting over the infection. Still, for some ungodly reason I tried "Runaround" by Blues Traveler for the second time. The first time I'd missed a couple of lines, that song is way freaking faster than you'd expect. I swear that guy doesn't need to breathe or has gills or something. There's a break in the middle for a solo, but the rest is constant singing. I kept up this time, didn't flat-out miss anything, although a few lines trailed off at the end because I tried to take my lungs farther than they could go. I still thought it was awesome. Could've been horrible though, I don't know. *shrug*

Tried "Pretty Noose" by Soundgarden for the first time. I wasn't happy with it. Probably because I haven't listened to that song in like a decade.

Okay, I could ramble more but I'm gonna stop here and eat something.

Damnit.

2009-09-17T05:42:07Z

Well, maybe I wasn't just depressed yesterday. I think I'm getting another sinus infection. Yay. Had a slightly sore throat last night, when I woke up and it was still there I knew I was fucked. Got progressively worse throughout the day. This is gonna suck. I'd better be able to sing Saturday or I'll be pissed. That's the only thing I look forward to anymore.

In other news, my mom found Grampa wandering around the grocery store all confused the other day. She's staying with him now. So it looks like she's going to move in with him, and I'll be staying here until the lease is up next spring. After that? I'll probably be there with her. Sad as it is at my age I can't afford to be on my own, and I'm pretty sure getting a roommate would end in a double homicide. I play well with others to a point, living with them is well beyond that.

Guess that's it. I'm gonna pound some NyQuil and hopefully go to sleep.

Sometimes the flesh is willing but the mind is weak.

2009-09-16T09:11:04Z

I've been really depressed all day. Don't know why. It's my day off, but I essentially didn't make it out of bed. I've been getting better at getting out to get shit done, what the hell happened?

Sigh, Bandimere Speedway closes in about a month, there's only two or three test and tune nights left. I need to clean out the coupe so I can take her there. I really want to go to the track before the end of the season. So why the hell won't I just get it done?

I don't know what to do anymore. I just sleep the days away because it's easier than dealing with life. I can't seem to defeat it.

Work, family issues, and karaoke, oh my!

2009-09-08T06:03:03Z

So... Much... Work... Last Monday I was there from one to eleven thirty with my crew putting up the weekly shipment. I was off Tuesday, but then Wednesday, Thursday and Friday I was there from one in the afternoon to one in the morning every day. I stayed after closing(nine) every day so I could work on a huge project at the store that was to involved to be done during normal business hours. I was off Saturday, and worked a normal shift Sunday. Then today I covered for my driver during the day, but was still scheduled to close the store. So on labor day I worked from seven thirty AM to eight thirty PM. My next two checks are going to be awesome, but fuck...

My personal life isn't any calmer. My Grandpa turns 90 this month. Can you guess what that means? Yep, the children are starting to bicker. You know what really pisses me off about the whole thing? Everyone thinks they have some sort of right to do this or that, or that they know what's best, or they have some claim over the estate. Some of them have barely been around the last few years. When my Grandma, his wife of over sixty years, died, I was the one with my arm around him most of the night. He completely paid for my dental work, a bill that was once $14,000 dollars. I have paid him back $12,000 of that at this point. No one else, including his children, have ever paid him back for any of the thousands he loaned them over the years. I know where this appears to be going, but my point is this: I lay claim to nothing. What value do material things hold when the price is the destruction of one's family? The fact that they're doing it while he's still alive makes it even more distasteful. Cutting ties with your siblings is one thing, breaking your 90 year old father's heart in the process is unforgivable. Were I him I would change my will to donate everything to charity. It just isn't worth it.

On the lighter side of things, the last couple of Saturdays have been a blast. The bar's been dead, so my friend who runs the karaoke and I have been doing a lot of new songs, including many no one would expect either of us to do. For instance, I'm apparently awesome at "Dream A Little Dream," and I absolutely love singing it. I kicked ass at the verses of a couple of 80's classics, "Always Something There to Remind Me" and "I Ran(so far away)," but the chorus' were off on both. They were still a load of fun. Oh yeah, we did a duet, "Phantom of the Opera." That was great.

Yeah, guess that's it for now.

Coping.

2009-08-25T09:36:43Z

I've been noticing a lot of unconscious behaviors I exhibit because of my dog. A few I noticed right away. First, when I walk into my apartment with someone following me I immediately step to the left so I can block the dog's path to the door. Second, I look to see where she is every time I walk outside of the kitchen. Every damn time. I also check her food and water each time I pass it. Just now I realized that I shut the toilet lid completely after each use so she won't drink out of it.

Now it's all useless motions. There is nothing trying to run out the door. There is no sleeping animal in front of the living room easy chair. Two empty bowls with no need to be filled still sit on the floor, I haven't had the heart to remove them.

I hear her walking around the living room at night. I see her standing in the doorway of my bedroom.

Sixteen years is a long time. Almost two thirds of my entire life. The ten years before that were my first, so memories of the first five are practically non-existent. There is barely a time in my life I can recall when she wasn't there.

I'm having a hard time with this. I know it's because I signed that execution order. I still can't believe it was mercy. It was because of an inability to meet her needs at that age. I can't find a way to dispute it that I can't contradict.

Social Skills

2009-08-24T10:24:12Z

Autistic Teens Learn Social Skills

Very interesting article. A little frightening how familiar it is to me, though. Could explain a lot of things.

Night Two

2009-08-23T08:31:14Z

Had a blast at The Nest, as usual. It kinda sucks because I feel bad for the bartender at Golden Bowl, she's very nice and awesome at her job. I just didn't have fun there. Wasn't a huge fan of the guy running the karaoke either. Makes me feel bad, but I might not go back. Sigh...

Night One

2009-08-22T07:20:47Z

Just got back from the first of my back-to-back karaoke nights this week. I didn't drink less like I was supposed to. Nor did I have fun. Damnit. That is all.

Two bars, one CriScO.

2009-08-21T05:21:53Z

The bartender from one of the places I used to sing karaoke came into my store today. She actually came there to tell me that they're doing karaoke at her bar again starting tomorrow and she wants me to come.

That's pretty cool and all, but shit, I don't have the money to do it twice a week! Damnit... She even ordered more cherry vodka for me...

I really like the new place I've been going, so stopping that one is out, but I'll feel like a dick if I don't go back after she made sure to come tell me!

That is awesome though. Although I cant decide if it's cause she actually liked me or if it's more of a "get the good tipper back in" sort of thing. Eh, whatever. It was a nice gesture in any case.

BTW she's older than me and married with kids, so I don't mean "like" in that way. Dirty minded fucks... :)

Well, I guess I'm going back to the Golden Bowl tomorrow, then The Cuckoo's Nest on Saturday. I'll just have to drink less. That sucks.

My brain hurts.

2009-08-14T08:04:14Z

This entry contains a lot of egocentric drivel, a lot of depressing self loathing, and somehow turned into a discussion of quantum paradoxes. I honestly can't decide how much of it I actually believe, and I do not mean to personally offend anyone specific with the first half. I just needed to get some things out. With that, I'm removing comments because I need to conquer these things alone. I thought I made a few interesting points though, so this is going up for those who may find it useful.

I was just looking through some things I'd written in the past and found this:

Everything I've done goes unnoticed
And all I will do is in vain
My dreams are quickly dying
And I just can't shake the pain
It wasn't really very long ago
That you found heaven with my touch
Now I feel like I don't know you
Like my love was just a crutch
I held you up when you were weak
Yet I always stood alone
But will I even be remembered
When you can stand up on your own?

Fitting description of the feelings I can't shake. No, not just the feelings, but of a reality that I can't stop repeating. I'm drawn to women that I can help in some way, that need me to be strong for them. A white knight complex I can't escape. But is it a strange irony that I can be strong for them when I'm so weak, or do I seek it because it is simply the only way I can feel strong? Am I really being used so asymmetrically, or am I using them just as much? Assuming I am, is that so wrong?

This is coming out much more self-centered than I mean it to be, I'm going to switch to the next point...

It also begs the question of whether or not I'm doing this to myself in another manner. Anyone ever see the film What the *bleep* do we know? It's essentially a documentary on quantum physics, but with acted scenes throughout to emphasize the implications of experiments that have been performed and theories that are presented. One of the main points of the film is that reality is not a set object, but is only what we perceive it to be. Experiments have shown strong evidence of a person's thoughts and emotions actually affecting the space around them at a quantum level. What you really believe to be true, is.

It's such a drastic change of how we see the world around us that it's exceedingly difficult to accept. I know I can't, which may very well be why this cycle continues - because I believe it will. I accept the notion that I'm useless and have no future, and therefore I am and don't. I believe I will always be alone, and thus I will. I think that a girl will no longer need me and leave, and I unwittingly make it happen. The notion of "reality" runs too deep. I accept reality as I see it, and I see myself to be worthless. Believing that I am not strong enough to change my own world is what makes me not strong enough. It's a vicious cycle of redundancies and paradoxes that I cannot seem to grasp. Or can I not grasp it because I think I can't?

It's like feeding a computer a paradoxical equation. If it isn't stopped, it will run in a loop endlessly trying to solve it until eventually the CPU overheats and burns up. That's what these theories do to us with our current perception of reality.

I just can't shake it, and believing I can't is what stops me.